I’ve had this account for over 3 years. For 3 years I’ve counted every single calorie I put into my body. I’ve logged every single workout just to see how many more calories I needed to burn to be “satisfied.” I wasn’t allowed to go to sleep until I was sure I worked out enough and didn’t eat too much. I used this app to fuel my eating disorder. I told myself I was being “healthy” and that I was just “watching what I ate” when in reality I was becoming more and more obsessive. The numbers were running through my head all day. I would lay awake at night calculating what I would eat and how much I would workout the next day to ensure a caloric deficit. I let it take over my life. I stopped seeing nutrients and could only see numbers. To this day I know the calorie content of so many foods, most things people don’t even really think about. It’s ingrained into my mind. But I’m also starting to see food as fuel again. I don’t workout so I can eat. Now I eat so I can fuel and power through a workout. I eat to perform. I eat to live. I’m adding foods into my diet that used to leave me crying on the bathroom floor. I’m taking back the control I lost when I got sucked into my eating disorder. Recovery is a process. It’s hard, it’s trying, it’s scary. But it’s possible and it is worth it. #Recovery #eatingdisorder
I am happier now allowing myself to have “junk food” free of guilt than I ever was forcing lettuce down my throat and struggling to eat under 1,200 calories a day while exhausting myself over exercising.
This is recovery.
I consider myself “recovering.” And I’m not obsessed, save for bad anxiety/relapse moments. That said, I like food. I like cooking food. I like eating food. I like experimenting with food.
As far as weight, I wouldn’t consider myself to even really be worried about it. On bad self-esteem days, I panic about mine. On most days, weight doesn’t cross my mind.
Remember that Back On Pointe is not a weight loss blog. I am a supporter of making yourself happy and healthy, and neither of those things require weight loss. Take care of yourself, surround yourself with good friends, and spend time in the fresh air.
We all are. Though sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. We are warriors.
Rochambo Teahouse in Milwaukee has the best graffiti.