This comparison is important. The difference in these two birthdays is important. These photos are taken exactly a year apart: the left is my 18th birthday and the right is my 19th birthday. Here’s how these nights went:
18: I went out to a sushi restaurant with close friends and family. I refused to drink my first legal drink. I was wearing 2 pairs of pants and 3 sweaters. I had one bite of sashimi, ran to the bathroom, locked myself in the stall and purged. I refused to come out and my mom had to get the manager to unlock the door. I cried my eyes out and I had to convince the manager to let me sneak out the back because I was too embarrassed to go back to my own birthday party.
19: I met up with the same (with a few additions) group of friends at a pizza and wine bar. I had half a pizza, 3 glasses of wine and a slice of birthday cake. Scratch that, I had my face pushed into a piece of cake. In this picture I am over 30lbs heavier than one year ago today. I am wearing a thin tank top. I am warm, I am fulfilled and I love myself. (I am also pretty drunk).
I want you to know that recovery is 100% possible. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Some days, it took literally all my strength to push through meals. But I did it, and others can too. Eating disorders are not a “for life” sentence, although they feel like it. With hard work, adventure and patience, you can learn to love yourself again. You can learn to hold yourself together again.
Choosing to let Anorexia consume me would have been one of the last decisions I would have ever made. Choosing recovery was the single greatest decision I’ve ever made.
WOW. JUST WOW.
You will body check all the time. You will confirm that your thumb and middle finger still touch when you wrap them around your thigh, and when they cannot, you will feel ugly.
You will feel jealous of the people who are not going through recovery. You will scrutinise their goal weights and wonder how much lighter you would be if you hadn’t told someone. You will feel profoundly stupid.
You will go to weigh yourself and find that your parents have taken the scales away. You will estimate, then, using how far your stomach sticks out, and how many times your arms jiggle when you shake them.
You will begin to enjoy eating again. When you realise this, you will be overcome with a guilt so strong you will lie on the floor and cry for two hours. This will repeat at least once a week.
You will consider bulimia. You will stare into the toilet and stick two fingers down your throat and vomit nothing but your feelings up into the bowl. You will give up but never stop thinking about it.
You will absentmindedly touch your collarbones. When they begin to become less prominent, you will stare at yourself in the mirror and cry. Your parents think it is out of anger, but it is really out of grief.
You will recover, too, eventually. You will live. But first you have to die a hundred thousand times.
Lita’s Favourite Health and Fitness Apps
With technology advancing, it seems like everyone and their parents have a smartphone. But while we’re all aware of Angry Birds and Candy Crush, what about apps that can help you on a personal level? Have you ever used your smartphone to encourage a workout or learn a language? Well, you should! Here are some of my favourite apps to get you started towards a more useful smartphone.
I’ve had this account for over 3 years. For 3 years I’ve counted every single calorie I put into my body. I’ve logged every single workout just to see how many more calories I needed to burn to be “satisfied.” I wasn’t allowed to go to sleep until I was sure I worked out enough and didn’t eat too much. I used this app to fuel my eating disorder. I told myself I was being “healthy” and that I was just “watching what I ate” when in reality I was becoming more and more obsessive. The numbers were running through my head all day. I would lay awake at night calculating what I would eat and how much I would workout the next day to ensure a caloric deficit. I let it take over my life. I stopped seeing nutrients and could only see numbers. To this day I know the calorie content of so many foods, most things people don’t even really think about. It’s ingrained into my mind. But I’m also starting to see food as fuel again. I don’t workout so I can eat. Now I eat so I can fuel and power through a workout. I eat to perform. I eat to live. I’m adding foods into my diet that used to leave me crying on the bathroom floor. I’m taking back the control I lost when I got sucked into my eating disorder. Recovery is a process. It’s hard, it’s trying, it’s scary. But it’s possible and it is worth it. #Recovery #eatingdisorder